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The Daily Doings of Steph

Regarding that book that Guzy holds so dear, wasn’t that a nice gift that I bought him a couple of years ago – without reading it myself, of course. That reading-level must really have hit home for Guz, because he’s been a changed man since then. Who knew that Barnes & Noble had such worthwhile material on their shelves? Come to think of it, maybe with my first-place winnings this year, I’ll purchase copies of that book for the rest of you!! Don’t count on it, though…I have something better for you, and it won’t take until year’s end to help out.

I think you’ll admit that most of you are shaking in your Underoos, knowing how hard you’ve worked to get your Associate Degrees in Fanalytics. Now, you’ve entered the big-time, Doctor Whitbeck’s School of Fanalytic Ass-Whooping. Can you make the grade? We’ll find out over the next 27 weeks.

To help you not curl up in a ball and start crying for your mommies and daddies, I’ve developed a week-long class. While this normally retails for $399.99 on late-night TV (I know, Alan and Steve, you’re both normally watching porn at this time of night, but put it down long enough to take this class, please…I promise you’ll both be better men for it!).

I call this “Fanalytics 301″, and while it’s an upper-division course with some pretty tough material, I’m sure most of you can probably squeek through with at least a “D” in this class. For Jack, Chris and Scotty, I know you must think that earning a “D” will be a moral victory, and that just pulling a 50% might be extraordinarily tough, but I figure you’ll find a study group and squeek through. Extra credit may be offered if I see you all struggling.

Of course, after earning that “D”, it’ll put you down in the standings where I was last year. Did I mention why I put myself through that little experiment? It certainly was a pain in the ass, but I was able to prove my theory that losing sucks, while at the same time, enlighten myself as to what the rest of you have gone through for the past decade, as you’ve watched me win title after title after title.

But enough about me – at least for now. What about “Fanalytics 301” is going to help you prepare to finish behind me this year? Well, let’s not start out too fast here, boys and Steph. I’m not sure we’re ready for more than just a quick glance through the syllabus today.

The lesson plans for the next week will consist of the following:

Monday, March 26 – A recap of “Fanalytics 101” – I might ask Guz to help with this one…after all, the subject matter is really quite below my level, and now that he’s finally won this league, he’s probably ready to at least assist in teaching this class.

Tuesday, March 27 – Valuing players in a keeper league

Wednesday, March 28 – Starting lineup decisions in a daily-moves league

Thursday, March 29 – Trading to win in a keeper league

Friday, March 30 – Miscellaneous thoughts, along with a look at the final exam

We’ll take Saturday off, so that you can review for the final exam, which begins the next day and lasts for 26 weeks.

For now, enjoy your weekend. Get lots of rest, and be prepared on Monday to start on what could be a life-changing event for all of you.